Fourteen years ago today I was on a serious mission to end my own life. Not knowing how to cope with the emptiness and despair that I carried on me like a lead blanket, the best solution I could conjure was to 'make it stop' with one final and desperate act. I remember waking up in the hospital some time later with the greatest sense of hopelessness and defeat I have ever experienced, before or since. I felt that hopelessness, the crippling fear, utter desperation and loneliness to the very tips of my toes; I lived in it, walked in it and breathed it.
What I did not know at the time was that that incredibly selfish and fear-driven act would lead me into a beautiful life - the life I always wanted somewhere within me but which I was completely incapable of working towards (or even imagining!) as the person I was back then. Attempting to commit suicide turned out to be THE pivotal moment in my life, a desperate action that started a chain of events which, in the end, healed and saved me.
Of course there has been much work along the way...and heartache and loss and sadness and joy and wonder. LIFE has happened - that amazing, tumultuous, roller coaster journey we each get to walk through. But today I get to walk through it, today I choose to experience it, and today I am full of love, serenity, and peace of mind. The beautiful life I have today is not one that I've earned, it's a gift that I cherish and nurture.
And to think I almost missed it!
